Why can’t you see it, Mommy? How could you not notice? How could none of you notice?

Alright so i’ve realized something today. And that thing is I have NO clue what hard work truly means. I’ve never worked hard for anything in my life. Seriously. I always thought that ‘working hard’ was something NOBODY did. I never thought that there were actually kids who studied every single day, and I was flabbergasted when I found out that there were actually people whose worlds revolved around their grades. I just never really thought of education as first priority, ever. I’ve never once in my life bothered to study properly. I read a couple textbook pages, maybe answer a couple questions but that’s the extent of my ‘study sessions’. I get bored and give up so, so easily. However despite this I’ve somehow managed to keep my grades average throughout school life. Not anymore though, because I’ve got a (3, 3) for E-Math, (3, 7) for Literature(HOW THE FUCK?!) and I’m probably gonna fail bio and chinese which means that I’ll be under monitoring next term - which is fucking unacceptable. I really need to buck up. Need to really start ‘working hard’, whatever the hell that means.

Another example of how un-driven I am: Almost all my life I’ve had one goal - to lose weight. But I’ve never gotten around to actually losing any weight. I never stick to diets or work-out plans. I have no determination or self-control AT ALL. When things get challenging, I don’t persevere. Never. When things get challenging I immediately give up; and there’s no chance of convincing myself to do otherwise. Whenever things get a tad more challenging or I get a little bored, it’s like my brain sort of automatically shifts into ‘excuses mode’; during which I convince myself that there is really no need to carry on with whatever I am studying for because my existing knowledge of the subject will be sufficient for the test/exam. Or, I’ll somehow manage to convince myself that my body doesn’t need improving, that it’s perfectly fine just the way it is. 

Alot of the time I find myself thinking: Are there really people out there who are THAT driven, who have THAT much self-control and whom are THAT determined and possess THAT much will-power? And the truth is that there are. Most people are like that, actually. They possess a medium level of self-control and perseverance, and the painful truth is that I’m just a lazy lazy lazy fuck who really needs to get her act together or she is never going to get anywhere in life.

Since you already mistrust me that fucking much, i might as well go out and do some crazy fucking shit. It’s not like i’ve got anything to lose now is it?

sure thing sweety pie but they’re losing their touch a little

watching this film on adolf hitler and i dont get how anyone could possibly admire that twisted jerk. can’t believe i’m friends with someone who actually does. maybe she’s crazy. distance from now on. that bitch cray. juzzz keeeeeding. actually i’m not sure if i am. whut whut? idk. really really wish i could read minds. who knows what goes on in other people’s heads. you know. just to know what them sneaky bitches are up to. maybe just to check if it’s normal to think about what i think about all the time. wouldn’t mind a wish maker or a really wise old man to always be ready to answer my random questions all the time. or maybe mind-control. but nahh all that power in my hands? pfft who knows what kind of shit would happen to the human race. no no i will just stick with the wise old man who has wise answers to everything. for example why i don’t look forward to anything anymore